I went to uni today and people were fucking wearing costumes listen to me Halloween is not a thing here you just look fucking stupid
*laughs awkwardly* HAHAHA ITS NOT LIKE I DRESSED AS ROBIN CAUSE TO MY CLASSES THAT WOULD BE SOOO STUPID HAHA
are your parents like proud of you
I wanted to ask you earlier, if you remember what day it is, but I didn’t because I don’t know what would hurt more, Zayn, if you remember or if you don’t.
I think maybe you do because when you saw me wearing your hoodie, you had to look away. I hope it hurt. That’s a fucked up thing to say, I know, but I do. I hope it hurt so much you had to stop yourself asking for it back as you thought of the two of us outside the studio that day, me shivering as I watched you smoke a cigarette.
It was raining so hard I thought you were going to tell me to go inside, but you gave me your hoodie, ignoring me when I smiled and said I was fine. Until then I thought it was me. I thought it was me who couldn’t stand too close in case I touched you, who ripped up tissues under the table in cafes so I had something to do with my hands. But you knew, didn’t you? That’s why you touched me first. Why you didn’t let me pull away when I thought it was an accident.
You probably think I wish you hadn’t now, but I don’t. You were the first person to know me like that, to not believe me when I smiled and said I was fine. I think sometimes you’re the only one who ever will. On the more tender nights, when the bed feels too big, I tell myself that you didn’t, but you did. Even that day in the rain, when you peeled off your hoodie and your t-shirt rose to reveal the smooth scallop of your hipbone. I know you saw me staring, but you didn’t say a word.
That’s the problem, Zayn: you never say anything. I needed you to say something today. But then, I didn’t say anything when I saw you staring, either. Isn’t that just us? It’s never what we say, rather what we don’t. So keep telling me how happy you are, Zayn. Keep smiling and telling me that you’re fine.
I promise I won’t say a word.
O h m y g o d